So prepare to read a preface of a preface to my book “Foundation of the Elders”. No seriously the book preface properly explains my personal brokenness and sins.

Needless to say I am human, a sinner, but have a small drop of knowledge to share I hope is valuable to you. My personal life is messed up, as is my family life. I have been exposed to depths of human deception, depravity, and insanity, from my youth in very personal ways. Exposed to the very un-supernatural human elements of the Beast, and Drakwns. That changed me. I had to found the rock of my psche on something, so I chose Yhvh’s word. This is the basis of my psyche now, of how I understand the world.

Here is a more complete explanation as quoted from Foundation of the Elders. Please, do no mock me for my confessions.

“This writing began as my understanding of the ancient words written by righteous men of ancient times.  I wanted with great desire to perfect my faith, and in having done so leave a legacy of righteousness to my children, Shalome Ruth, Josiah Simon, and Noah Elisha Davis, as well as the host of Yhvhs church. Please read with this in mind, and if there is a fact that is incorrect, let me know, so any errors may be revised.

When I first began writing it was on the subject of Jesus’ kingship, at the time I was very mentally disturbed because the religious group I had grown up in had decided to reject Jesus as their king now, preferring to say he would become a king when he arrived on the earth.  This was and is a thing I consider blasphemy, and so the writing began on what came to be a 120 page book called Jesus’ Sovereignty which for a time was published on the web.  This book eventually was rewritten into the now chapter called Jesus is Emperor, and was the starting seed for my research into the way of Life.

What eventually happened to me was the loss of contact with almost everyone I grew up with, due to personal circumstance, and loss of the ecclesia of Unamended Christadelphians I grew up in, as they did not even accept individuals with my beliefs to attend services.  They would eventually call themselves Pioneer Christadelphians, but this name was already used previously by a different group.  It was often then believers would be asked to leave shortly after arriving.  This impacted my psyche a great deal, because I thought, and still do, their very likely end for rejecting their own brethren more educated than they are is eternal perishing, and it became a focus to try and change this.  However as a writer and as a person, for whatever reason I was rejected.  Perhaps it is because of my thick tongue and inability to articulate well in speech, or perhaps the elders remembered the wild child that I was.  Even my own family at the time was falling to this issue. Most definitely there were evil men who had snuck into the ecclessia who swayed opinion to the eternal damnation of the unwary and those too lukewarm to take a stand for Yhvh’s truth.  It’s a sad thing to be damned for simple lack of action, or because you said nothing because you did not want to be alone or want rock the boat of social circumstance.  Eventually my previous book was written, published on the web and, promptly ignored by everyone I intended to reach. It received a few hundred views over several years, but the study retention rate was far too low.  

It was a few months after the web publishing I began to consider the need to fact check everything I learned as a youth, and in doing so to compare thoughts via debate with other religious views.  As I debated, I compiled as solid of information and arguments as could be obtained, weeding out as much of the bad ideas as my mind was capable of understanding.  My understanding of basic hebrew and greek grammar grew, but not to the point of fluency.  Part of the reason for the lack of further growth was life circumstance, as well as necessary wariness of religious bias on the part of language teachers, and part because as a student I had difficulty with the cultural immersion necessary to become fluent.  Modern Judaism is after all very antagonistic toward threats of Christianity, as are the Trinitarian colleges toward Unitarians students with Greek, and there simply are no societies which solely speak either ancient language as they were written.  Having said this, debate is a most excellent tool for iron sharpening iron so to speak, and for individual growth in knowledge, because almost every flaw in a belief system will be picked apart to an incredible degree by the often facetious, but very serious believers of other faiths, be those Christianity, Judaism, or even the disturbingly proud atheism or paganism of today.  As scary as it is and as humiliating as it is, sometimes the odd internet troll actually has a comment which needs investigation, or a viewpoint which is accidentally or actually accurate.

During this time life continued on, and not to my benefit.  It is here I admit some of my many faults, because as a man, a human, a believer, it is my belief I am not fit to lead, or even be a public teacher anymore because of errors, sins I have made.  However, I do not know anyone else doing religious research with the same set of logic values and procedure.  Not that those concepts make me some great sage of the age.

Things had started to go wrong before I ever picked up the pen.  It has been 11 years since then as the point of penning this preface.  The year prior I had a shoulder injury, fell off some pipe dislocated my left shoulder tore some cartilage on my lower scapula.  Not the most horrible injury, but it set things in motion for me to be in the right place at the right time.  After the surgery to fix the injury my dad drove up to Pennsylvania, and drove my self and my pregnant wife to Florida.  It was there while healing from having two titanium screws in my left shoulder, and having the birth of my oldest daughter, that I learned about the start of the previously mentioned No King Now movement.  The pain from the surgery simply did not go away with therapy, and the combination of this, sleepless nights, and religious concern, created an obsession, drive, and enough constant upset to write a book.

That year was a combination of pain from the injury and working on the book as I was the sole provider for the family, during the day. At night was a few hours bible study, and when the pain was bad drinking alcohol to alleviate pain, interspersed with the joyful events of watching a child grow.  My wife felt neglected, and while I invited her to study with me for whatever reason she never did, and did not consider the things I was greatly concerned with to be her problem.  So, began a cycle of neglect and invitation to get involved, followed excuses of being busy with a child, followed by near constant rejection of my work as important, followed by complaints about drinking alcohol because I hurt. It was sometime during then that the mental issues I to some extent still have today began to appear.

When the mental problems for sure began, I was was working in Athens, Ohio, and it was very sudden, one day I was perfectly sober Jesse, the next everything seemed to be spiritual signs and symbols, coded speech, and elation as if I had been chosen of heaven.  I quit the job, went to another job, quit that one, and left and went to Texas with my again pregnant wife, and young child.  I informed her something was wrong and what it felt like, but it never sank in.  It was hard to fake being normal at that point, I could only do it to  some extent because of past memory.  We went to a doctor and got some blood tests done, and nothing.  Nothing was found.  I changed my diet, tried to eat healthy, got enough sleep, etc.   Nothing would blunt the problem, my mind was just too busy to slow down, literally all the time, and to me everything was in religious tones, so to some extent I was ok with it.  I would see a thought in sign  and symbol and later that night look it up in the bible.  When it became too much for my mind to handle, I drank, or read fiction novels, or watched cartoons, and we began again the cycle of neglect and complaint.  I did not want medication at the time and for almost 7 years after, due to not knowing if it was insanity or Spirit or both.

There is no explaining what that was like, and it has gone on for years, but for the first 2 or 3 years it was really super hard barely clinging to reality through a pain fogged mind, then a friend at work had me go to shoulder therapy again.  It helped a lot but did not solve the mental.  J.P. thanks, wish I kept in touch.

Through all these things the initial Jesus’ Sovereignty book was written and web published, and oddly enough rewritten 3 times, to speak in code while also teaching scripture.  My hyped up mind has planned all sorts of fantastical things, good great things, but also vengeful terrible things sublingually.  It was at some point I realized the writing I had written was off track from what I had both planned and asked in a prayer from Yhvh to happen.  I would return to a passage I had written previously, and it would say something sublingually to me different than what was intended, and would be somehow twisted in my own mind to my own destruction.  This cause quite a bit of mental freak out, and eventually my additional writing had to be set aside, and then periodically returned to.  It does not help when the very thing you attempt to use as an anchor to reality becomes twisted, or when you are so paranoid kindness becomes near impossible.

What really did not help was the eventual break up between myself and my wife.  She wanted to settle down in one place, and I did not feel we could, because of income, and paranoia.  We had a series of arguments and agreements, and of course I heard many more upset complaints I could do nothing about, and to some extent was unwilling to change.  Eventually I had been accepted into welding school, and she disagreed with the life choice, even though the upgrade of job and life circumstance would have substantially upgraded our ability to earn income.  She became stubborn and I got too angry and then violent, all over simply not crossing the road for pizza or doing laundry.  This caused a permanent relationship issue between us, that to this day I have not been able to change, because it takes 2 to fix a relationship problem.  Periodically since then I have raged, spewed death threats, and generally been a soured individual on the topic of life.  The incidents caused a further decay in my mind and during the year after I had transgender issues on top of the already bad mental state I was in, and increased rage. This though was due to some questions I had for God, about his nature, and a prayer I ask him for teaching and the roman’s 1 curse so that I would absolutely know which explanations were accurate.  Not the most optimal choices, but that is was I chose to ask for, it was extremely bad timing because those events overlapped.  I took a year off work, and hid from pretty much all society.  I packed all of my Wife’s and Children’s things and sent them to them.  I could not trust me and I knew it.  I had no intention of playing dress up, when my own eyes were warping the images I saw in the mirror everyday.  The heart is desperately wicked, and I know mine is, because I have fought it for my own life, and though it is easier today I have to be constantly vigilant.

It was at this point I started to go to counseling, and asking questions about certain secret societies.  What really didn’t help was the counselors were apparently members, and basically told me the figments of my imagination were possibly real and someone could actually be messing with my head.  It took a lot of thinking and years to finally come to the conclusion that if so, so what, it doesn’t matter. I still have to deal with the day to day effect no matter what.

It was around this time I remembered a bible verse in the New Testament about curses, in Romans chapter 1 vs 16 to chapter end.  This related to a biblical curse that could cause transgender and homosexual tendencies by teach Yhvh wrong.  I opened my writing and looked at it again on the subject of God, and notice I had in one case compared him to an animal, and in another assumed God was not a spirit, but something above them.  Neither of course were true, and after having spent time to study and to fix and to properly explain the correction, those issues have for the most part ceased, however the mental shame never goes away.  There is some knowledge that just is not worth having, some memories which should not be remembered.    

So, then began years of estrangement from my wife an children.  A succession of arguments getting nowhere.  Worthless trust games.  Lots of time spend living in vehicles.  I let my hygiene slide.  Debated religion online, and nothing more.  Attempted to only pretend sanity when I felt like it.  Depression, and anger, and shame, and loneliness, giddiness, insanity, and absolute freedom from responsibility, all in their own vicious cycles.  Thoughts of murder and suicide in their turns.  To some extent these things continue until this day.

The worst part of all has been the signs and symbols.  You see what it’s really like, is like picking up your favorite religious book, that has great teachings you learned as a child, and then reading it with open eyes and it telling the destruction of your community in great detail, or speaking about the fall of a friend to sin, or learning that certain groups of people in various places are planning to destroy your old religion from the inside, and the ones doing it are people you know and love. That your enemies are bigger and smarter than you ever considered, and actually willing to do things so plausibly deniable that you cannot even say a word in judgement, because it all just might be fake, or maybe not. Getting to read some of that before it happens, then watching it happen.  Its a cruel cruel stab to the heart.  Or reading about something you think is great going to happen, and then it fails at the last moment, and you go back and read it again, and its as if the words had changed on the paper.

I have had years to think about the twisting of my own mind, my emotions, and the work I started out to do, the actions of my own twisted mind as I wrote.  I prayed for guidance so much, but sometimes its hard not to feel cursed and abandoned, because perhaps I am.  At other times I feel a connection with God too well, and I wonder if it is insanity rearing its ugly head again.  I decided that I did want to complete a book of all that I know about religion.  So, I decided somehow I needed to get the point across to others that I have been writing this through a filter of remembered reality, and how that at the best of times it is difficult to be truthful, and how much harder it is for me to write truth while also dealing with the mental perception variations I do.

The alternative is it is true and not insanity, which is far more terrifying or awe inspiring than you can imagine, because then I have been walking in the spirit actually fighting battles to to the death of beloved and hated foes in defense of both known and loved and unknown friends and servants of YHVH.  There is no person on the planet I would spare in the fight for God.  Remember what was done unto Ananias and Saphira using God’s Spirit, this is the only allowable way for a Christian to fight unless life blood is taken first in your own vision, until Jesus come. Genesis 9:6.  Otherwise thou shalt not kill.

Reality is in between the two narratives, not all my prayers are heard, but enough of them are that I know we fight against flesh and blood enemies for preservation of truth.  Far too many coincidences for God’s hand to not have been involved, disease, death, weather change, war, discussion with angels and spirits, God, and Jesus, and so many other things I have experienced.  I blew the trumpet, and shouted great shouts, and walked in waking visions, and the next day the Syrian civil war started.  I dare not deny those experiences, yet I am a broken man.

In the realm of mindscapes and plausible deniability it is difficult to discern the imagined from reality.  If I die having overcome nothing, a least I struggled in my mind limiting myself to the moral boundaries of Christianity as is just.  If things are more, then I hope my failures and self doubt forgivable.

And so, I maintain an intellectual skepticism not of God, because he is perfect, but of myself because I am broken, and all these things are far too fantastic.  Even if I am mirror of destruction, walking through life with only partial understanding, seldom able to create positive change in my life, a least I have walked my walk reaping what my own actions have sown.

In the end, I feel I have become no better than what I was arguing against to begin with, in fact perhaps my moral sins are much worse.  In reflection it is much harder to find the zeal, motivation, desire to write and complete a religious book of this nature with the experiences that I have had.  Picking up the pen again, only to first admit my faults as clearly as possible was both difficult and necessary, and will be even more so when it comes time to publish.  I felt it was necessary to show the unbeliever, the person who accuses others of being self righteous, who is actually writing and with what attitude.  Some will discredit me for admitting faults, or admitting insanity, or hate me for the things I have done. Well I came through it without killing anyone with my own hands, or committing suicide, or committing any sort of fornication, or attempting to destroy ecclessias.  Perhaps I could have done better if I tried harder.  In the end, I’m just a normal man with problems that I can just barely handle, sometimes, and sometimes I do weird crazy harmless stuff in the backyard, and that is O.K., don’t look if you don’t want too.

At this point I desperately want a simple life with my children, a good woman, time for bible study, prayer, work which pays enough, and a dwelling place before I go to dust and ashes.  See my needs and fill them.  God please grant me forgiveness I am a sinner, and count myself among the damned.

Thank you, if you choose to read, I expect most people to disregard my writing specifically because of my admissions. Most of you have experienced life a bit differently than I have.  I’m glad you have, it is a great blessing.

Word of Yhvh James 5:16  εξομολογεισθε αλληλοις τα παραπτωματα και ευχεσθε υπερ αλληλων οπως ιαθητε πολυ ισχυει δεησις δικαιου ενεργουμενη

εξομολογεισθε do show yourself αλληλοις impartially τα those παραπτωματα sins και and ευχεσθε make prayer υπερ for the sake of αλληλων of mutuality οπως so ιαθητε forgiveness πολυ increases ισχυει strengthing δεησις request δικαιου of righteous ενεργουμενη aid.

Word of Yhvh James 5:16 Do show yourself impartially in your sins and make prayer for the sake of each other so forgiveness increases the strength of the request of righteous aid.

For the sake of my children, myself, and every person who can read, listen, and perceive truth, I was accepting of personal destruction possibly personal annihilation in order to compile the truest truth possible.  

All of this, it is an absolute miracle of eternal wonder.  I have reflected in sign and symbol angelic prophecy, police officers, soldiers, terrorist deaths, enemy deaths, national wars, bible teachings, Israel, Church members, and so much more.  I have said incredible unbelievable things and they happened, seen reflections of future events in creation and those happened. I know Ahih Yhvh hears me.  It is just a matter of sickness to spiritual sight percentage, it is known I have both.”